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I have heartburn so bad that even the Devil would want out 
Oils are weird, like some are for babies and some are for cars, who can keep track?
That point in your diet when one belt hole is too tight and the next one is too loose.
G Strings are like regular strings except they get to snuggle in between two ass cheeks all day.
You know she is not that into you and is also a groupie when she forgets your birthday but remember's to write a birthday message on Justin Bieber's pet Facebook page.
The terminator and my ex have a lot in common. They both said they'd be back.
it's funnier in its original form, "Happy as a puppy with two peters".
What is it with those female athletes, freezing temps and they wear them thin skin tight lycra suits, my wife wears more than that in a warm bed
Sometimes the beast within us is actually shown on the outside.
Dear stalker, seriously dude...I have a whole box of KOTEX in my drawer...I have TAMPONS & PADS WITH WINGS. Pick ur poison!
I think as many hours as I put in I should be able to put fantasy football team owner on my resume
It's kind of disappointing when you're reading someone's bio on any site and are somewhat interested, but then you reach the end and it says you don't like me, then PISS OFF!!!" Well, that was rude
I'm taking the greed out of agreed, because I don't.
Yelling "I DIDN'T INVITE YOU IN" doesn't work on spiders but it will freak out twilight fans.
so much for black friday at a bar
The Revolution will not be televised but a podcast seems inevitable.
If you ever have the strangest sensation that I'm communicating with you telepathically, it's because I totally am!
Based on some of the status updates I see my friends post, I think some of them should see if there is an after Christmas return policy on relationships.
Jack White is just Edward Scissorhands with human hands.
Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "Damn GIRL, did you give up on life?"
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