Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The More You Know: Jesus loved trees not cake, that's why on Dec 25th we have Christmas Trees.

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?

   Angelina Jolie filing for divorce? Maybe I have a chance this time. Anyone have her number?

   I'm so jazzed .... It's obvious that Angelina DID get that letter I sent her claiming my undying love for her!! Still trying to figure out why it took her four years to divorce the Scmuck tho.

   I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.

   Hey ... Does it mean anything when you see an elderly woman hobbling out the back door of the Presidential Debate Stage door crying and screaming vulgarities and met with a limousine driven by Huma Abedin?

   Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

   Remember when Saturday morning TV was all great cartoons? Now it's just porn. That might just be my TV, tho.

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...

   A guy is walking between two skyscrapers on a tightrope. Another guy is on a date with Amy Schneider and their clothes just came off. At the same time, the guy on the tightrope and the guy with Amy have the same thought: "Don't look down."

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?

   If a gynecologist uses an instrument called a speculum, does a proctologist use an instrument called a reculum?

   Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

   Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.

   Let the comedy circus begin..........American elections!

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh