Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me

   "A trail of clothes leading up to a bedroom before marriage ment a night of pashionate love making. Now it means you dropped them on your way from the dryer.

   A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

   Everyone needs a backup man. My husband: plan. The word is plan

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.

   Taking things to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for the next 3 months.

   [at work party] Hey Bill...weird, have you always been a scotch guy? Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

   Hello Hello Hello Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?....Oh wait I forgot everyone's home, never nevermind.

   Last night was amazing out dancing and singing with all my friends together celebrating the end of the Coronavirus!....until our garbage truck outside woke me up :/

   I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

   Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.

   ... Hey ..... My kid didn't have Child Safety Seats when growing up ... And look how well he turned out!!! He invented the Child Safety Seat and is now worth $187 Million ..... #SmartLivesMatter

   Just got up to go to the bathroom and realised I left my work ID swipe card in my jacket. Found the jacket, checked the pockets. Found it. Then realised I didn't need my swipe ID to use the bathroom AT MY HOUSE....😑

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.

   Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.

   When is the Olympic participation awards ceremony?

   Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.