Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Toilet Duck. Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.

   Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

   And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!

   I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.

   Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor

   I've been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie's car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

   Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.

   My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

   I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.

   Geez I shouldn't have clicked on that flying drone ad as now my news feed is filled with a million different kinds of drones for sale :/

   I'm so old I just sit around and look at Facebook all day.... like younger people do nowadays.

   My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!

   I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

   Wonder how many wife's the guy who giving marriage tips has gone through?

   Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!

   f you're not offending anyone here, you're not trying hard enough.

   How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?

   Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.