Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I wish I was a turtle that way I could take my house everywhere I go and never have to worry about being homesick again.

   She had me when she changed her relationship status to: DTF

   Cavs agree to Love trade". Oh, so THAT'S how they can afford to pay both Lebron and Kyrie!

   ‎#1 Bullsht: It's NEVER too late... Well, sometimes IT IS too late. Call them lessons learned.

   4 hour naps suck! I don't even know whether it's daytime still or night time already...

   sanity and happiness are an impossible combination. - Mark Twain

   Has just realised why his day has been full of people unable to express what they want, failing to consider anyone other than themselves and with unrealistic expectations. Happy International Women's Day everyone.

   If you think I'm bad just imagine two of me!

   Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

   My girlfriend says I should stop making references to the news whenever I talk. More on that story later.

   Will he stay or will he go? Seems like President Mubarak must have the same publicist as Carmelo Anthony...

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.

   Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

   I downloaded an APP to do my taxes. I hope it hurries.....It's running out of time........

   So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   rare sighting of me by a neighbor

   it me, or is *** an annoying prick for all his incomplete jokes? Go away *** you bother me!

   I have a nutache

   Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too

   Lactose intolerance is said to be the primary cause of a cheesy combustible.