Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dr. Drew, we're here because we love you, and we're concerned about your addiction to putting addicts on TV.

   I'm supposed to use beer to wash out the remnants of glue from my brain electrodes. Does it matter what kind of beer?

   *Facebook* How I look in photos I upload: s(•_•)z How I look in photos I'm tagged in: \(•~°)/

   To give myself a break from being so sexy all the time, I like to sleep 'normal.'

   Put your money where your mouth is and suffocate yourself with your money.

   Life is the 60 years between the only times when bingo and board games are an acceptable way of spending your days.

   starin at a fluorescent light Above him watchin the dust bunny fall like snow.

   I never bought you flowers, because I can't figure out what they mean.

   there's something about the people on Doomsday Planners that makes me think they're serious

   my memory is less like nerves connecting synapses and more like a dry erase board...

   You can't be 100% sure a girl you're talking to on Twitter is really a girl til she gets completely furious at you for absolutely no reason.

   I need a break is the new I'd rather not ever speak with you again.

   Ours was love at first fight.

   We fear that which we do not understand. And spiders.

   I was fired from my job for going the extra mile. Being a tour guide is hard!

   I heard that women like it when you check up on them. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen.

   David Beckham does some amazing football tricks.. I hear that he managed to hit Katherine Jenkins chin with two balls.

   I'm not outta style. I'm outta place.

   I have two blood pressures. The one I normally have all day, and the one when my wife needs to borrow my phone.

   Sometimes a long distance relationship just means opposite ends of the couch.