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I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness! 
I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!
Happy National Day of Predation.
Nothing makes me feel like a kid again quite like waking up in drool.
If State Farm were such a good neighbor theyd come over and pick up all the dog s@it in my yard.
If NASA Scientists are so smart, why the hell do they count backwards??
Laugh at your problems.....everbody else does
always been a fan of myths and urban legends, like the unicorn, Candyman, and Friday productivity
listing all my single socks on match .com
One thing I've learned from my mistakes is, I don't learn from my mistakes!!
I was once in a band called Bulimia. We were sick
Here is my Christmas wish, I wish white people would stop making asses of themselves and refrain from saying Holllaaaa, Peeps, Guurl, Beotch, Tru Dat, Most def and every other ghetto word. You sound and look ridiculous, so please stop and you're welcome.
He ate healthy, stayed fit, very well mannered, and got ran over by a truck.. what are the odds.
Christmas tree sales are way down from last month...Come on people,christmas tree salesman gotta eat too!
Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment!
I stopped over at my dyslexic friend's house for coffee this morning, he was busy covering his "manhood" with black shoe polish when I got there. I said, "No, silly you're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK!" Dyslexia is such a curse.
My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her... I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses."
the fact that Justin Beiber is still relevant means the terrorists have won
Carefully vet all stories regarding the holiday. We don't need another "children dressing as Count Hanukkah the vampire" debacle this year.
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