Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was a little disappointed in my morning.. the crayon said peach.. but it sure didn't taste like peach!

   FACT: Hairy women like rough sex!

   Just parted the red sea with a big log. Moses would be proud.

   ESPN just reported that their kicker just tried to hang himself, luckly he could not even kick the chair out from under himself.

   Fat chicks are like a moped, fun as hell until someone catches you on one...

   Let's get drunk and cuddle, coz I want to cuddle your brains out tonight.

   ever take a dump so big your pants fit better when you were done!

   Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. You don't hear them asking for 5 pounds a month.

   The legend goes that St. Danica Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.....must be hard to put all the tiny seat belts on all the snakes.

   My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.

   If we all end up in prison one day for illegal music downloads, I can only hope that they divide us by music genres.

   shopping list....plastic bags 4 bucks, gloves 15 , knife 20 , rope 5, duct tape 6 , black mask 6....the expression on the face of the counter guy...priceless...

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   50 shades of can't stop drinking.

   If Hillary Clinton wins, I'm getting Rosetta Stone and sending El Chapo my resume.

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie, have some drinks, talk" and actually watch a movie, chat and drink, then you're a failure as a man…

   "It looks like the Easter Bunny came here last night" "Let's not jump to any conclusions. Until we get these semen samples down to the lab we can't be sure who it was."

   If anyone lost a roll of $20 bills with a rubber band around it...... I found it, spent the money and shot the rubber band at a suspicious looking squirrel that was eyeing my Reese's Pieces.

   Jesus died for our sins, so if we don't sin he died for nothing.

   Jesus says to John come forth I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster