Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I woke up this morning to the sound of crickets outside. Then I quickly realised, it was the wife lying next to me with her legs open.

   Jerry Sandusky is retiring at the end of the month oh wait I meant The Pope My bad

   What if Jesus was real and not really from heaven but a man from the distant future and the people considered his technology as miracles?

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   What's the funniest thing in the world?Ten blind guys trying to sit at a table set for eight

   So lets be clear ...we have the McRib, Kim Kardashian is single and the NBA is back? Black Guys are winning.........

   Obama to visit Disney World on Thursday. I guess they are planning on expanding and hiring more people or he just wants another vacation

   It always warms my heart to see celebrities getting into the Christmas spirit, Paul Walker is currently decorating a tree.

   If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all.

   If "HE" were an indian, his name would be Talking Buttocks.

   doesn't want to grow up.... he's a Toys R' Us kid!

   UGLY = [U]nderstand [G]od [L]oves [Y]ou

   Can't wait for the Vancouver Canucks to beat Chicago in this years Stanley Cup playoffs! :)

   If you have to make airplane noises to put your d*ck in your Girlfriends mouth..She is TOO young!

   CLEAN YOUR!̸̶͚͖͖̩̻̩̗͍̮̙̈͊͛̈͒̍̐ͣͩ̋ͨ̓̊̌̈̊́̚͝͠ͅ ̷̧̢̛͖̤̟̺̫̗͚̗͖ͪ̏̔̔̒́ͥ̓ͫ̀ͤ̇ͥ͝ ̡̊͛̇ ͫ̉ͦ̊̀̔ͧͮ͆̽ͦͩ͋̌͗̚̚҉̵͖̟ SCREEN :P

   After mating, the female praying mantis kills and eats the male. I guess she figured it's easier to get life insurance instead of fighting for child support from him later.

   I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. I now sneak out of parties to go to my house.

   wondering if fish pussies smell like people!?!

   To all the pregnant women out there, this is your day. Happy Labor Day!

   My boss; Are you Tweeting? Me; No, I'm Tworking Boss; What? Me; Hello Tweeting while working Boss; That's not a real word Me; Twhatever