Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying "You're not pregnant, have a nice day!"

   Bring back cheap smokes and the stubby bottle, there's a Trudeau driving Canada again

   *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"

   Hey Chick-fil-a, hamburgers aren't made from dairy cows...

   Ladies; When a guy you don't know offers to buy you a drink in a club, he's not being nice he wants to have sex with you. It's not rocket science.

   Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.

   Facetious: The only word in the English dictionery to use all the vowels in a row. a.e.i.o.u.

   97-year-old WWII vet goes viral after 'taking a knee' to support NFL players.

   Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

   Singer Meat Loaf has died. He will be cremated at 375° for 1 hour. His ashes will be mixed with mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans.

   People aren't too smart these days. If someone is fighting so hard to keep their tax returns a secret, that means that person has nothing to hide!

   Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

   so what if I'm single now? I mean it cant be that hard to boil toast can it ?

   If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized

   Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).

   If we keep killing entitlement, healthcare, etc, pretty soon all America will be defending are the 1% and a bunch of rocks.

   Why dont they serve hotdogs at a gay picnic. because they taste like shiiit

   Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

   The one good redeeming value of pedophiles is that they do drive slow through school zones.