Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   feeling more lazy than the fuy who invented the japanese flag

   Just won the lotto but can't find my ticket

   (._. ) (._.) ( ._.) ( '-' ) Oh pardon me, I'm just looking to give a f**k!

   Everyone tells my dog she's a good girl but they haven't done any background checks.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have big titties and a BIG booty! #Distractions

   if a sniper used a laser to shoot me in my house, I would be wearing 3 cats on my face

   95 % of all my hallucinations have the Banana splits in them.

   Arm amputees: "Stumped" for cash? Earn a lucritive second income by taking impressive fisting photos.

   Judge William Adams I hope you go to Fedral Pound you in the Butt Prison

   These fuel prices are killing me, literally. While siphoning from my neighbors car I swallowed a pint of that sh!t. Gotta fix my technique.

   Dear Antarctica: Have you lost some weight? Sincerely, global warming

   I know these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   children are God's way of punishing us for having sex.

   I don't hate you, I just hope your next period starts in a shark tank.

   Safer to let my kids walk in Compton then let them go to VA Tech!

   Damn you Migasjoe and your BookOfTebow!

   anyone who enjoys pizza with pineapples probably beats up children and kisses with their eyes open

   I saw my ex earlier and realized how much I missed her. Had to go back round the roundabout and run her over on the second attempt.

   I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

   Dog catcher called. He said my dog was chasing someone on a bike. Can't be my dog. He doesn't have a bike.