Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Teacher: Get out a sheet of paper. Student: LOOK AT ME NOW! Teacher: Excuse me? Student: I'm GETTIN' PAPERRRR!

   I've been constipated for 3 days now. I'm half expecting a ransom note from arse demanding money for the safe release of my next poo.

   Hurricane Issac heading for GOP Convention maybe they "has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Genocide.

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   just got a citation for illegally parking my pen*s in a friend zone

   It's my birthday on St Patrick's Day and I'm gonna be drunk all weekend! LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!

   Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...

   ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head

   Don't worry Brady, Arizona just took the spot light off you with the worst decision in NFL history

   Nobody talks on the phone anymore. If I like you, I'd rather hear your voice. Texting has made sh*t less intimate.

   HALLOWEEN PRO TIP.... put on your costume then over top of it do the classic ghost blanket costume....go trick-or-treating as a ghost then take the blanket off & go a 2nd round as the other costume you wore underneath....double candy

   Gotta love Lamar Odom.... This is the first time in history the hookers and coke actually saved a guy's marriage.... Rock on Lamar

   What I have survived could kill 99% of you.

   Don't forget to have a thought and a prayer for the poors when you buy your useless stuff this weekend

   If you put Isis and my ex gf together all you going to see is pure evil

   As much as Santa came last night I bet he will sleep for a week

   I used to play in a band. now I just play with myself

   Chemists tell great joke, but they don't get a reaction because all their people skills Argon. OMG... that's Sodium funny, right? NA? Okay.