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Mayweather is a Legend. Its just a shame he practices on his girlfriend and kids. 
Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.
Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a sh!t.
To poke or not to poke. That is the question.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again
excuse me......Is that a spray on tan or did you roll in a bag of doritos???????????????????
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
I amNOT a ride OR die chick. I have questions. Like where are we riding to? And why I gotta die? Cant I just be your stay at home and take care of the kids chick?
Stan: Cartman did you just say the F word?. Cartman: you mean J ew?
No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report because I already have a inferiority complex.
When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?
smoking a blunt with Justin Bieber.....
you can't call a show Golden Globes and then show a bunch of skinny girls!!
Tig Olbitties would make a good stripper name!!
Cemeteries: Saving me on buying flowers since High School.
When is a good time to mention St Patrick wasn't Irish, he was the son of slave-owning Roman nobility born in England and his color wasn't green, it was blue? Not today then?
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth
I bet it's confusing for gays with walk-in closets. You're in, you're out, you're in, you're out.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X She's never coming back and don't ask Y
Hey,,,If you watch that last episode of Cops backwards, they uncuff my Dad, let him drive off recklessly, chase him, then give up..
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