Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   “How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said The Bride, looking out the window. “Well, it is March, it comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb,” I replied, coming up next to her. It was then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front

   “There's always more fish in the sea.” Well that's fine…if you want a fish with 3 eyes and 5 fins due to all the radiation in the sea now.

   Advice of the day: Never do a runner from a Kenyan restaurant.

   What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

   i'm like an ostridge, i'll stick my head in any dirty hole

   at Walmart letting the one tooth wonder check me out!!!

   I remember when a MIX tape off the radio (while the DJ wasn't talking) was the best Valentine EVER!!

   My blood type is Dutch Bros.

   There is no app that can show you who is "stalking" your profile, no video of Usama getting shot, no honest politicians and no Easter Bunny. So please quit being so permiscious with your clicker and spreading FTV's (fb transmitted viruses).

   more frustrated than a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll downhill

   There is alot of good women out there, but there isn't enough good men to match their value.

   Was driving a van full of women to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Saw a sign that read 25 MPH. I thought to myself, "Twenty five Menopausal Parrot Heads is right.

   What I like about soy butter is the delicate blending of the flavors of fish food and dirt.

   Gnomeo & Juliet -- red v.s. blue -- so thats where it all started

   Today is just gonna be one of those days like 'Now throw yo hands in the ayer... Wave em' like just don't cayer...'

   Teiam, the I is silent. There you go!

   What's the difference between a liar and a cheater? Nothing, they're practically brothers!

   So this chick yelled that I was hot and she wanted me and this loser thought she was talking to him...awkward

   Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue.

   Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"