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I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park. 
Like, if you believe that HR is stupid and evil.
When the kids are bad this time of year, I tell them I just burned one of their presents. If they're really bad, I say it was the puppy.
Here's an idea....maybe Obama can grow a beard until the Obamacare website works
A daughter asked her mother how to spell pinus, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
The lower middle-class is the new black
It took just one week for a $1 trillion wipeout in U.S. stocks. Winning?
Remember when perjury was a crime punishable by being fired or jail. Now its against the law for republicans.
Gas is about $4.25 a gallon and girls still think guys come over just to "chill"
Time magazine's breastfeeding cover is pretty good, but I wish they'd used a hotter three-year-old.
I know how the Chinese name their kids....they throw a bunch of silverware out the window.
Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Size 12 and Up Skinny Jeans should be made illegal.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin....
My toilet seat was stolen, not sure who took it, right now I have nothing to go on.
Why be so serious ? It's not like we're going to get out of it alive. so livin up fu(kers. an make it a great day for someone
's Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.
Parenting Tip of the Day: DON'T HIT KIDS!!! No...Seriously....They have guns now!
Today is hump day right? so how come I havent been humped today??
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