Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Snooki cried so hard when she got kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. It wasnt cuz she lost or anything like that, its cuz she realize she is going to be broke for halloween

   You say," If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice. "There's no advice; he's greedy not needy.

   Alarm Clocks.....Making people "Rise and Whine" since its invention

   Every girl's diary is a Yelp review of your sexual performance.

   on a positive note, I got the results of my drug test back today

   Sure, my dog keeps running into the wall head first but you have to admit he looks way smarter since he started wearing my reading glasses.

   identifies as a tranzmillionaire. A rich man trapped in a poor man's body. Can we rectify this situation?

   fell in love on an elevator once and it ended in soul crushing heart break, so, no thanks Aerosmith. No frickin thanks.

   My nakedness is irrelevant to you at this point

   Ever watch the tv show 2 broke girls and get jealous of their bank account

   Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I'll kill you.

   Renato Bialetti, who made the stovetop coffeemaker, the Moka Express, famous, was buried inside of one after dying at age 93.

   Women plan to look so hot at their wedding that their "something blue" is everyone's balls.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. He's been moved to the Permanently Deleted Items folder.

   I don't remember myself, but my parents love to tell others about the time they found me dancing naked on the kitchen table to the final Jeopardy music at age 2 or 3.

   You should never hide anything from your parents. "Getting caught" doesn't apply to me, when I was younger I walked it into the living room and said "I need bigger condoms", and walked away....

   My five year plan is that hopefully I'll be dead within the next five years...

   It's 4/20, remember to leave out milk and cookies for Snoop Dogg!

   Getting stoned to death doesn't sound like that bad of a way to go.

   Cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon.