Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Can’t believe how dangerous the streets are becoming. Just this afternoon I stole an old ladys handbag and punched someone at a bus stop.

   If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you Cnt even change Channel of Tv

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   "You can't fight terro0rism with sanctions." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   the government is like my computer....there might just be a problem when it shuts down

   On a scale of 1 to 69, how bad do you want me?

   Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots?

   If I have a son and he ends up having a bigger pen*s then me, does that mean he inherited his pen*s from his mom?

   I like my coffee how I like myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   2,4,6,8 Wichita is not a state!

   If I'm ever in the hospital on Life Support, don't just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   Stop slapping my ass, said no woman ever.

   making love to a big hairy trucker named Kim

   How does Michael Jackson know when it's bedtime?.....when the big hand touches the little hand

   Old people are so cute...And they smell funny

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt

   This fish smells familiar. I just can't put my finger on it.

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   Gangsta rap made me do it