Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''

   When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button.

   When I was a kid the only flavor chapstick we had was medicine.

   If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.

   [invention of the milkshake] drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

   Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest

   Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.

   Dear Lord, Please use thy healing powers to see over Aleppo. And Lord, while you're at it, please check on his brothers; Groucho, Harpo and Chico as well. Amen.

   Apparently the Art of the Deal is actually the doodles you draw on your notepad while your deal crumbles.

   12-31-2019 11:00, I said it once and I'll say it again. If you're not happy here, the leave! No one is forcing you to stay.

   If I ever win $10,000,000 in the lottery, I'm going to donate a quarter of it to charity. I can live just fine on $9,999,999.75.

   My bed is like a little p0rn movie set, except for the lights, cameras and action.

   Hey Mr. Australian DJ, can you play some funky cold medina now?

   It's so cool you can make Facebook PINK!!! said by no one, ever.

   Back in my day we didn't have all these types of birth control. We only had "OH HELL NO!" And we used it.

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   Spending quality time with the people that really matter reminds me of who I am and recharges my love, hope and drive. I'm forever grateful.

   Political opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and no one wants to hear it.

   If Couples That Are In Love Are Called "Love Birds", Then Couples Who Are Always Fighting And Arguing Should Be Called "Angry Birds"

   It's like my dad always said, "Don't call me Dad."