Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.

   Just found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real!!! ... Dammit ... So much for my retirement plan! BTW ... Is Bernie still running? .... He's my backup plan B. If not ... That lady promising me lotsa free stuff will have to do. She can also print money right?

   Ok, This ridiculous Pokémon craze is getting out of control, but if you ladies insist on playing, I have a giant Pokémon in my pants. His name is Squirtle...

   there a Pokemon Stop? I'll get that one.

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

   Found a pin that said "WWJD?" in my hotel room. I'm having a dilemma because I'm pretty sure cocaine and strippers isn't the answer.

   Why aren't Cadbury eggs available year round?

   Someone was blocking the grocery aisle with their cart, so naturally I walked over one aisle to get around them like an adult.

   Stupid dog keeps eating the cat food but I don't have the heart to tell her it's not actually made out of cats.

   It's pronounced PokeMON. Not PokeMAN, grandpa. You've completely ruined this baptism.

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, cry like a baby, leave as patient.

   You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!

   My newest pet peeve on Facebook lately when someone asks for a suggestion on hotels restaurants vacations spots etc.. google it you lazy/dumb F$)&tart.

   Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.

   "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida

   I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,

   God created the world in 7 days, but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I'm a big deal

   China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have