Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This is the time of year when you can put mistletoe in your back pocket so that people who don't like you can kiss your...well you know...

   On a scale of 1 to leave 100 missed calls on my phone if I fail to reply your text message within 2 minutes, how crazy are you?

   Re the World Cup: Instead of wars how about countries settle their disputes with a soccer game? After all, they usually end up in a riot anyhow.

   Some people spend their whole life searching....I spend it trying to keep a straight face.

   Anything you can do I'll b*tch about later.

   Remember when Pink made girls look cute, now it makes them look trashy

   I can't believe people still get divorced, it's like they don't even know Wiz Khalifa relationship advice accounts exist.

   FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.

   I'm gonna take a jog... down to that seat at the end of the bar!

   Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.

   Just ate 2 bagles and used only half the cream cheese. Diets are hard people!! Really hard.

   This new bidet is disturbingly accurate...how did they know the location of the target?

   I've been analizing chickens' behavior for weeks and I still can't determine why did they cross the road... My thesis is screwed

   Owning a car is having a friend you can scream inside of.

   Those who think they don't have a good face, should master Adobe Photoshop

   does getting a girlfriend mean I have to wear pants everyday because I'm not ready for that type of commitment

   A restraining order against morning people.

   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to until she got that restraining order.

   I only smoke weed as a safety service for the general public.

   I learned from the breast. I mean best. I learned from the best.