Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You don't have to fight over who sleeps in the wet spot if one of you is smart enough to flip the mattress over.

   Sky sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D…… What they meant to say was you could watch Rangers in D3. :)

   I don't need a watch to tell me that my time is now or never.

   All fun things are taxed... and there is even a tax on sex... it's called children.

   If everything goes as planned, by this time next year, I will have had a tremendous amount of work done.

   Your outlook determines your outcome!

   I call dibs on his armored train for Christmas!

   I wish the phrase “I had my tree flocked” was as dirty as it sounds.

   waking up early is for the birds....

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   How wonderful the world is, when your in it !

   I'm giving you all the MTQ $ex Guarantee. I guarantee you all will have $ex tonight. It's just that it may not be with another person.

   I can't possibly get eight hours of sleep a day because my work hours add up to seven

   Lite: the new way to spell "light" now with 20% fewer letters

   Its up to you if you want to feel like a million bucks or a bounced cheque.

   I always keep a cyanide capsule handy just in case my phone goes missing.

   do jaffa cakes count as 1 of your 5 a day?

   If the makers of Peeps would make marshmallow yoga mats I would totally do yoga or sit at home and eat mat all day.

   I hate when girls start fights over stupid shi t like whether or not the kid is mine.

   Well unfortunately this year again, I didnt get to buy any kid's gift on Black Friday. So I'm getting them the usual Xmas present. A big pack of batteries and attach a card to it that says "Toys not Included"..... It's the thought that counts right?