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hungry as a hostage 
An yank walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Bud.The barman replied "You're American aren't you?" The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered?"The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest f**k I have ever seen”
What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit? -Mr.President...
Hears an idea, Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.
prediction: yankees will win 28th world series
I don't understand Bill Clinton's surge in popularity....Didn't he leave office a dozen years ago as an impeached, disgraced, censured, lying, philandering 2 timing, womanizing, intern-humping, hillbilly?
Religion is the most vile ailment of human evolution (or rather, devolution) in existence
The most useless place to be is in someone's prayers.
Sorry Tim. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
CORONER: Amy Winehouse died from too much alcohol. hmmm alcohol kills and is legal but weed doesn't kill and is illegal hmmmm
Bring funny back
want$ $ucce$$ $o $he$ $uppo$edly I$ $elling $ea $hell$ $ea $hore like$ Ke$ha
First God created men....then he had a better idea!!
Jesus take the wheel...I'm tired...and I want to finish that dream you had issues with....
Dear Nickelback, I'll give you a dollarback if you'll stop making music.
in your boyfriends extended network.
wearing all cotton clothes while eating chicken, watermellon and drinking purple kool aide; while learning about black history month.
If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Guess what. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies? :/
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