Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Q.) What's the speed limit of s3x? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

   A husband received a phone call from police."Sir we have found the body of a woman who we suspect is ur wife.Can you please come n identify the body?" Husband-"I'm a bit busy right now,why don't you take a pic,tag me on Facebk n if it's her,I'll click the

   When you get on Facebook it's either you're stalking people or playing farmville!

   Man Law #236: Unless you last name is "Van Damme" grown a$$ men don't do the splits...

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen.

   Just heard Jay-Z's new pro Wall Street remix. If you're having financial problems I feel bad for you son. You're in the 99% but I'm in the one.

   I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

   "If you spare the rod and you spoil the child"... More like if you spare the rod, there is no child.

   Its hard to Turn a Boy into a Man. Is even harder to Turn a Hoe into a Housewife.

   When you start smoking beers and drinking cigarettes its time to quits call it.

   I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

   Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

   If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much

   Changed all my passwords to "Kenny." Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

   If Obama gave out government grants for sukin dik guess what scientists would be doing......

   "Did you just eat my donut?" me: Yes, but there's blame on both sides.

   Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

   Walk of shame Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

   I'm busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison!

   Lifes tough, Wear a helment.