Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   'Rough day. Better make it a double.' - me at the cat shelter.

   too much weed & you're "high".....too much beer & you're "drunk".....do both at same time & I become a "HUNK"

   It doesn't count as a "drug deal" if they charge full price.

   I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

   I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, so I ate some caterpillars.

   I bet Nike's socks labeled R or L are driving OCD people nuts!

   I'm bipolar, my boyfriend had me tested

   in another 40 years, i'll have a set of patriot balls

   It's so cold I look forward to getting a fever!

   60 percent of the worlds population is female which means some of you are going to die alone think keep that in mind next time you get my text

   I looked at the guy standing next to me in the check out line and said, "At what point in your life did you decide it was okay to wear light pink socks?" He answered back, "I do one load of laundry a week, how about you?

   It was April Fools' Day yesterday. So be careful. And don't forget to turn back your clocks....

   Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

   "I'm sorry your pet died. Can I come over for breakfast tomorrow?" - The world if pigs replaced dogs.

   I think I'd rather be waterboarded than have to hear one more Xmas song.

   I stopped by a beauty supply store yesterday and they said they didn't have anything that would help me and asked me to leave....

   "You drive me to drink!" -I shout at my taxi driver.

   Rosetta Stone but for the THINGS I say when I'm drunk

   "Hotel California" is really just a bad Yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reasons I have trust issues.