Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This April Fools I'm gonna talk a bunch of gibberish and act like I forgot about Dre.

   Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

   My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company….

   You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.

   getting low on groceries so ive been munching on the bulk pack of tums from costcos all day. I think there giving me heartburn

   Tell me how many bottles you have on your bathroom sink and I'll tell you how many women you live with. 20 bottles? Buddy, that's one woman.

   Babysat my friends son. We both had grape juice, mine was fermented...

   Press Ctrl, Shift, C. Type "rosebud;:" and hold down Enter. Oh wait this isn't The Sims?!?! We're all screwed.

   No thanks responsibility, I have a Facebook account.

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; for your sake, I hope the beholder is blind.

   I don't have anxiety, as much as internal chaos.

   For one to describe oneself as monosyllabic would be an oxymoron.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.

   I wonder if Long John Silver was in it for the gold and glory or to have underwear and a crappy restaraunt named after him?

   I wish I carried myself with the smug, all-knowing arrogance as people who've read all the Game of Thrones books.

   Maybe if you really love them you won't put them to the ultimate test of seeing just how much of your bullsh*t they can actually put up with

   No, of course I don't find it weird you brought your cat as a date

   Why can't they just put the power bank batteries on phones and save us all the trouble

   I cuddle on the first date.

   15 km run 50 laps of the pool yoga on the beach fresh fruit salad all before 6:30am is what fit healthy people like to do Me : I'm just waiting for the all you can eat buffet breakfast to consume copious amounts of bacon.... ** Your body is a temple **