Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   At least all this money printing from the Fed will solve the toilet paper shortage

   Calling occupents of interplannetary craft ..

   Men try role reversal in bed, and you have a headache for once.

   Just heard that facebook is letting all their employees work from home which makes me wonder. Hey facebook you hiring?

   If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

   Sorry I accidentally told your wife about your "secret iphone" at the company Christmas party.

   Sorry that changing your hairstyle dramatically didn't fix your life

   I love those people who can make me laugh during those moments when I feel like I can’t even smile.

   If Spiderman ever had to fight Black Widow, who would win?

   There's nothing wrong with living under a rock, as long as there's wifi..

   How I met your mother? Well son, it was arranged.

   I'd totally marry you, but Walmart doesn't have a ring in your size.

   If you drink enough alcohol, stairs become an extreme sport.

   The best way to remember someone's name is to slap them

   ❤ I loved Chris Martin, Bruno Mars and Beyoncé singing "We gotta get it together right now," which pretty much summarizes the Panthers offense...

   "Never let grass grow under your feet", not said by the first guy who went into the sod business.

   Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it.

   Just did the Ancestry.com DNA swab....Now the cops want to talk with me!! #StalkersLife

   Parking spaces for turtles these days, give me a break.

   One of my many talents is pretending to be very interesting in your plans when actually I am constantly thinking about my bed.