Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Still waiting to be awarded the bronze medal in "Channel Surfing" from the international Olympic committee!!!!...

   America should have its own moon.

   "Cheesecake solves all problems." ~ Golden Girls 3:16

   I hope Tropical Storm Hermine gets upgraded. Only because I think 'Hurricaine Hermine' sounds like a 1950's pro wrestler.

   It's horrifying to think that Brock Turner was tried, convicted, and served his sentence in before a Taylor Swift relationship ended.

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   My kid is getting bottom braces on today and said I should give her $80 to make up for the pain. She'll make a great attorney someday.

   Accidentally took 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 so someone please record the presidential inauguration for me.

   "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ONNNN?!?!" -Every horse being ridden during a civil war reenactment

   Wow....iPhone 7 is making odd hissing sounds. Tech experts say sounds are caused by electromagnetic effects, while I think it's just Siri farting.

   A hangover is just the body's special way of telling you ... your an idiot.

   If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.

   Amazing how much sex you don't get when you wear a denim shirt.

   I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra

   Owning a cat seems like a really satisfying Instagram experience.

   Can we just get the pipeline under the river before it fills with blood

   I have all this candy left at our apartment now. This morning, I had a Skittles and Butter Fingers omelet.

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of PARALLEL lines, who were never meant to meet. Of TANGENT lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of ASYMPTOTIC lines, who could only get closer and closer, but could never be together.

   Seen one sneaker in the road agin this week.. How does this happen? Somewhere there is a jogger who get's home look's down at their feet and say's "Not again...I lost another one"

   I heard overhead on the PA system at Walmart: "Customer service needed in sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls".