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Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing. 
Sometimes, I wish I had a husband to ignore & not f^ck so I could build a crafts empire.
if you've got a body that won't quit, I might as well sit back and relax.
While using a public toilet I use the first pieces TP to cover the automatic flusher sensor because its just annoying until I'm finished.
Ever notice the car dealerships commercials with hundreds of people running there to buy there cars...lol that never happens theres no one there..dah.!
T-Rexs can't scratch their stomachs, it's a major design flaw.
The 'man bun'.....A hair raising trend.
Little shampoos. Sure they make you feel like a giant but you're not, you're not a giant. Also they make bad travel souvenirs too.
ran 2.7 mi today , apparently the ice cream truck dosen't have rear view mirrors,. I hope that the time when we paid with two protein en-crusted tube sock's full of corroded pennies didn't have anything to do with it...
Hit my head on a flag pole ... now I'm seeing Stars and Stripes ....
If I had a militia we wouldn't occupy a federal building, we would occupy a Krispy Kreme.
Two Jihadists have been located: Hous Bin Farteen and M'Balls iz Hari
facebook doesn't allow breastfeeding photos
Anyone know what happens when you mix up your recipes with your receipts? No? Well I'm not going into too much detail but I just ate my f@ck!ng work boots. . .
Next Food Trend: Looking up from your smart phones while you eat.
some dude playing Pokémon go came inside my house to catch a Pokémon and stole my TV
I just discovered today that with the help of Google, I can be a speech writer! How cool is that?
Just got burned by bacon grease and I ain't even mad because bacon...
Had to check my bank account before I could smoke another cigarette.
I'm no athlete in Rio, but I'd still like someone to test my urine. I suspect it's excellent.
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