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Who needs thr circus when you can go to Walmart. "Our prices are as low as the self esteem of our freaks" 
Monday, quit being such a ba$+ard.
It has been revealed that Ryan Giggs of Manchester United has been slammin' his brothers wife for 8 years! damn! Talk about brotherly love.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
weird. I was playing mini golf and this angry dude from New Zealand offered to carry my putter and kept swatting my wifes camera out of her hand
Aug 1st- today is the beginning of my 12 step program. Step one, get another beer!
If all roads were straight forward, we'd fall asleep on the wheel.
My orange phone contract needs to hurry up and end soon - my backup paper cups and string are starting to wear out.
There are two things a HUMANS can never hide: The fact that he's drunk, and the fact he's in love.
Every since he started "CHECKING IN" on Facebook, Waldo hasn't been that hard to find.
Poking on Facebook is a way of saying, "I think you are cute and I like you BUT I am a coward"
The Michigan fans are worse than the Hillary Clinton's supporters on whining when they lose.
Hi Honey, Can you pick up a six pack of bud, and a taco Bill on your way back from the March....ry
Cant wait till tomorrow so the Mexican hookers go back to work.
Hey Bernie and Joe don’t need advice from two old guys wearing Depends. We need TP....
Arron Hernadez's lawyer: "Hang in there" Arron Hernadez: "will do"
When she suddenly stop singing while she's bathing, just know she's washing her P*ssy
Paul Manafort's shell company was called Summerbreeze. I guess that's just more proof that he's been a giant douche-bag all along!
The bad news is: An Alligator swallowed your child. The good news is: We're gonna comp you Free Family passes to Disneyworld
Calling yourself patriotic makes you patriotic the same way calling yourself a neurosurgeon makes you a neurosurgeon....
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