Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   To the man that went the Block Buster store ?? Did you kick in the plywood around the windows or did Wayne Huizenga give you a key ??

   The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents. Shame about the puppy.

   you know your hungry when your stomach sounds like chewbacca with a ballpoint pen up his a$$

   I just got done cleaning out my pond for the winter and I found pebbles stuck in the filter. Fred and Wilma are going to be devistated. :(

   Today sucks but I really shouldn't complain. I've got it good compared to...well, dead people.

   It's almost midnight and my bed right now is like that special girl you fantasize about having sex with...I want to get in it so bad.

   Turkeys don't think Thanksgiving is very funny.

   Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!

   Hate Mondays.Annoy Tuesday.Ignore Wednesday.Smile Thursday.Love Friday.Enjoy Saturday.Damn Sunday!

   multi-directional urinating and it all landed safely at sea....gonna be a good day!

   Don't give me that disdainful look like I just learned to eat with chopsticks. I've been misusing them this way for years!

   If you think high waisted pants look good ur high and wasted.

   When I watch TV alone, my thumb is like a park bench for my nuts.

   2011: I'm sexy and I know it. 1836: I am physically attractive and I am aware of this statement.

   so....I almost got beat up in jail last night !....my family takes Monopoly very seriously....

   Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.

   I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during 'If I could turn back time' does she think about killing Hitler.

   Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

   Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends'.

   I'm a problem that you'd be glad to have.