Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm going to Brussells. Anyone need sprouts?

   My co-worker "Pig nose Susan" was in an abusive relationship so I contacted PETA

   Fire roasted peanuts are so much better than water or wind roasted peanuts.

   Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   Just heard that Janet Jackson and Randy Travis are doing the Super Bowl halftime show..

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.

   There comes a time when it's just time to come.

   I wish he had a heart so I could break it!! Stupid MF

   The slower the kiss, the easier for love to slip through.

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.

   the private sector is doing fine.

   I think all these Jokes about Kony are like his army... Childish.

   Get 10 Parmesan Bread Bites for a buck when you order 2 pizzas for 5.99...we can do this cause our pizza's $uck.

   not wearing any green! Watcha gonna do?!

   I'm sooo tired I spent all night reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen

   My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.

   Just once I'd like to be able to say that my sound is laid down by the Underground and really mean it. Do you ever get that way?

   I once wrote a book on penguins.With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.

   I'll be the spark & you'll be the fire. Come burn with me on a bed of desire.