Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sugar is sweet and so is honey, Beat ya meat and save ya money"!

   A lady said her water broke. I offered her my unopened bottle of Aquafina but she kept shouting. She shouted so much an ambulance came.

   In celebration of Cinco De Mayo I'll be drinking Guinness and Jameson Whiskey tonight. Ole!

   Awkward moment for a liverpool fan : when they ask what's the time and its 19:18........

   Hey, it's Fat Tuesday, or just Tuesday, as it's known at Kirstie Alley's house.

   I throw my telescope in the air sometimes. Sayin' AYOOO I'm Galileo.

   I miss Gary Coleman, I grew up with him...he just never did.

   does anyone find it a bit distasteful that the movie Soul Surfer was released during "Shark Week"? I'm just saying!

   Sesame street announced this week that Bert and Ernie are not Gay. I knew that already, They have no sense of style and haven't changed their outfits in 25 years. They are just dirty old men like me.

   What has 50 legs and smells like urine? The Conga line at the nursing home's "Annual Harvest Moon Dance".

   the feeling of getting an email with an attachment

   If the range of decrease in Blood Alcohol Content is 10-20 mg% per hour. I should be able to drive my car next Monday.

   I was driving Home when I saw a Hitch Hiker holding a sign that said, "Heaven Bound." .......... Me being the Good Samaritan that I am, drove completely out of my way ......... To hit Him ......... I'm glad I could help him On his Way.

   Even if evolution is wrong, and it’s not, magic doesn't win by default. 434 Retweets 190 j'aime

   Wonder how much longer humans will continue playing make believe?

   It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.

   What Obama's secretary should have said, "Why don't you play #17 twice, its a nice par 3"

   now if I can train my cat to eat dog poop, I will never have to buy pet food again

   Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.

   Colorado is changing their state flower to "Sinsemilla"