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"Let's rock out for skin cancer awareness with Ms. Sheryl Crow!" "YAAAY!!" "I wanna soak up the suuuuun...!" "BOOOO!!" 
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Maybe women would be happier on their periods if someone invented tampons that vibrate..
"Kim you're a pretty bride and all, but Beyonce would look better... " (The fear of hearing this is why Beyonce just turned down Kim Kardashian's request that she'd be one of the bridesmaids)
Wanted to take the trash out tonight but she said she wasn't feeling well.
There's no I in team, but there a P in punch you in the mouth.
going to Hobby Lobby to hand out free contraceptives to women. Maybe I'll get lucky...
first snow fall of the year I am initiating a naked snow angel challenge to raise awareness of challenges that raise awareness.
Come on #Chevy just one commercial break without Kid Rock
seeing the ice bucket challenge videos are over maybe we should raise awareness for Parkinson's by doing harlem shake videos.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous and six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Anxiety is your brain reminding you that you are a wussy.
I want to become a Human smuggler and I want my code name to be Mister Smuggleuffigus .
Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬"
Gf: are you crying right now? Me: *hides Adele's new album* what? hell no. Real men don't cry babe.
My New Years resolution is to never make New Years resolutions!
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… Like you ate a pinecone every single day.
If KFC Owner would pull a Sterling, they would go out of business.
recovering from this long work day with my friend, Char...donnay!
I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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