Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If my name was Mario, I'd end all my relationships with, "It's not you, It's-a me Mario!"

   I walked into the Dentist's office and he asked me what the problem was and I said ''Doc, I think I'm a Giant Moth!'' He said ''You need a Psychiatrist not a Dentist, why did you come in here?'' I told him ''The light was on!!!''

   Every night for almost two weeks I have tuned in to watch the XXX Summer Olympic Games and I must say that I'm disappointed. I have yet to see anything that should be rated R let alone XXX.

   Will somebody write something houmorous, all this one line bile is not funny !!

   Maybe Aaron Hernandez killed Tony Soprano?

   "That comes to $13" "how's this for payment?" *rubs chest sensually* "sir ur body's not legal tender" "why not? i'm legal… and i'm tender"

   My w hite workmate was complaining about how his dog is always leaving its hair all over the house, on furniture, bed and on the carpet. I told him I can relate because my girlfriend is always leaving her weave on my carpet, sofa, bed and in my damn car.

   The stores are packed with folks gearing up for their Easter fashion shows, the same way they do for Christmas. The central figure for both these holidays was reduced to wearing a loin cloth for one, and swaddling for the other.

   She: Your cute. Me: My cute what?

   My friend text me a joke, good thing I was pooping when I got it cause I would have pissed myself

   I am inventing a new language, "Mikeaneese". If you would like, I could perhapsibly give you a free copy

   Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your minde. Feelings and emotions.

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.

   We are not Chemicals.. So We can think before Reacting.

   I always help people when they need it......not when its convenient for me! And I always stand behind my word ...Its called being a man!

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   Baskin Robbins called. They said, "Thanks to you, we're down to 5 flavors."

   *Girl on Facebook* "I need a boyfriend for the winter to keep me warm" ...or you can just buy a coat

   One of my ex's dreams in life was to go on a helicopter ride, so like the good guy I was, I made it come true. She was air-lifted to the hospital after I cut the brake lines on her car

   I had a dream I was checking out my ass in a mirror and it was looking good.