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What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1 
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Why do people post things like "my little baby died", playing on your sympathy, and it turns out to be a frigging goldfish.
I fell in love with a female electrician. …She was a real live wire and I took her ohm with me.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.
Drag my name through the mud and I will still come out clean.
The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.
They say that this planet is another world's hell. I don't know WTF I did but I'm Sorry!!!
It's not that I hate mornings. It's just that I'd wish they'd happen without me.
When Charlie Sheen said he had Tiger blood, he meant that he had been sleeping with hookers and his ex-wife caught him.
OK...it is very important that when it is time to set your clocks ahead to make sure someone didn't already do it before you got there...it's been a long day already
Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter. Lullabies, dreams and love ever after. A thousand welcomes when anyone comes... That's the Irish for You!
In recognition and apprehension for our first day of Spring tomorrow, I say a BIG F.U. to Winter!
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.
When life throws you a curve, downshift and take it vigorously.
I've had enough with seeing animals today. I hate this place! It smells real bad, and there's too much sh!t everywhere. Damn you walmart
When you don't know the difference between your/you're and their/there then we/us don't know what the hell YOU'RE saying over THERE.
If you had to go without sex and wear ugly clothes you'd be nun to happy too.
When people tell other couples that they aren't in love, makes me laugh. love is a word you define yourself, don't let a dictionary definition express the way you feel - Brandon Markovich
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