Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Im too honest to live in poverty. I have a job.

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar

   What ever happened to Olive, the other reindeer?

   If you dated a Sagittarius or a Leo don't worry about what's in the Vaccine

   I'm too lazy to impressive funny on my own,stop with the political crap already,and get back to funny.

   I'm kind of disappointed Hillary won't be President. Woulda been interesting to have a First Man as the spouse and even more interesting stories about what happens under Hillary's desk.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   I establish dominance in a relationship by being a man.

   Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."

   How the heck did America go from "E Pluribus Unum" to .... "E Unibus Plurum?"

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   I thought they said it was a "Joint Session". No bongs, no puff-puff-pass...hmph, joint session my @ss.

   "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."

   There’s more than one way to skin a cat but the cat probably won’t like any one of them.

   4 20

   An orgy with more than 4 midgets is a snack pack.

   Scott Pruitt has quit as head of the EPA to pursue his true passion - buying lotions and used mattresses from various hotels.

   Me, looking at the calendar: It's August already?? WTF!