Funny Status Messages

   sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?

   When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.

   Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.

   you only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.

   It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.

   Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)

   LeBron needs to eat a Snickers. He's playing like Betty White out there.

   I'm super sick, and while I don't need anyone to nurse me back to health but I'd like someone to pick up my tissues and let me be mean to them..

   Scientists developed a new car that can run on water. Only catch is, it has to be water from the Gulf of Mexico.

   flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!