Funny Status Messages

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

   I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.

   Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.

   I certainly hope the douche who stole my credit card enjoys his $14.03 shopping spree.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

   Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

   I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.