Funny Status Messages

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...

   Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

   USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated

   Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

   In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

   Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.

   If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.

   the blue book value on my car just tripled...I filled the gas tank!

   Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

   Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium