Funny Status Messages

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.

   The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..

   Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.