Funny Status Messages

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar

   friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans

   Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone

   I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.

   So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?

   Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet

   Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?

   This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.