Funny Status Messages

   I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

   Official quote of 2020 ... "YOU'RE ON MUTE !!"

   Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

   Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

   When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?

   Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*

   Dear AT&T, I'm not interested but appreciate you wanting to save me money. And if you'd like to save money stop mailing me letters!

   me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.] person: take $6??

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed

   I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.

   I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.

   Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

   Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.