Funny Status Messages

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

   I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.

   The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.

   When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!

   Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

   Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.