Funny Status Messages

   If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

   Before you come out to the country, remember we'll sit in a tree all day waiting to kill something.

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?

   I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is

   I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from KFC for making this post possible!

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks

   Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords