Funny Status Messages

   Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

   I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.

   I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

   Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again.

   Whew. Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

   I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

   I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like "WHAAAAAT----NOT AGAIN!" and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

   Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet

   Went to CVS to pick up a prescription and the receipt gave me enough toilet paper for a week. #Winning_Covid-19

   Dear landlord and Bank,I have suspended all payments to my accounts due to Corono virus outbreak .

   St Patrick's Day resulted in the least DUI's ever.

   Ladies, if you're over 50, you may wanna rethink the cowboy hat. It's terrifying.

   This is the longest something made in China has lasted.

   My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.

   Due to the threat of possible storms, all homeschools will be on a two hour delay tomorrow.

   There are two rules for success... 1) Don't tell everything you know.

   I imagine by now a lot of husbands are willing to build that She Shed.

   Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

   I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.