Funny Status Messages

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

   Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

   (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

   I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

   As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

   My ability to remember a song lyric from the 80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen. ‬

   [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.

   INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job? ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

   Just about all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as head of household.