Funny Status Messages

   FB is soo useful always reminds you of birthdays and anniversaries, Never forget your wifes birthday...

   at a BP gas station pumping gas.. somebody got to support SMALL businesses!

   its very sad Adriana Xenides has died and I'm not even going to make a joke about it. That would be in_p_o_ri_te

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   Rest in Peace Jimmy Dean. . . Your sausage will never be the same... ( I am not sure I like the sounds of this post after typing it ) Admit it.. You ALL LOVE HIS SAUSAGE!

   why the hell are all the hot guys tall, dark and obnoxious?????? :(

   A latte should NOT take this long to make! This had better taste like it came from the tit of Angelina Jolie's.

   never meddles in the affairs of dragons, for he is crunchy and good with ketchup

   I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over

   I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps

   Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.

   Happy earth day, earth. Sorry we're destroying your ass.

   Good news. Jesus has risen. Bad news. He will need to be quarantined for 14 days

   Tiger Woods is struggling with his driving. A pull to the left got him into tree trouble.

   im not rich so I'll put a midget in my back pocket so my wallet looks bigger

   Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

   If I was invisible I would be the most Boobie feelinest..Bank robbinest...person this side of the mississippi....Nite yall

   If your ship has sailed, chase that damn thing down!

   Most of the time I think i'd be better off talking to a wall other than you