Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend just said she was leaving me because of my gross habits and childlike behavor.It shocked me so much that I almost choked on my toenail, which would have surely given up my position in the hide-and-go-seek game I was in with my imaginary frnd

   Well I don't like you, and you don't like me. Oh you like me? Okay then I don't like you, and you like me.

   Feeling a little horny today. I think my check-engine light is ON.

   He's dead... But look! Hundreds of bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in string! Someone was after a few of this guy's favorite things.

   ‎"Every Kiss Begins with K" and "Every Divorce Begins with D Bit@h"

   wants to know who threw up in my sink last night? reveal yourself!

   Life gave me LeMoNs. . . So I mixed it upp to be sweet and got MeLoNs!

   just hacked into your facebook account and admitted to all your friends that you have a serious drug problem and need an intervention ASAP!

   Those candy necklaces are overrated because you end up with all that spit on your neck!!!

   really looking forward to this years Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach. Talk about non-stop racing action!

   that was one nasty hotel , They stole MY towel

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   ★ just call me tootsie.. because you know how I roll ★ - Magean Brents

   Sex is like pancakes ... God I love Pancakes !!

   She fell in love with the person that I was back then. Why does she try so hard to change me into what suits her...it only drives me away.

   If you're texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual. :)

   Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm on bath salts, and your face looks tasty.

   Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"?

   I've just been invited to a knees up. Or as my girlfriend calls it, accompanying her to the gynaecologist.

   The only good Black Friday is the one with Chris Tucker and Ice Cube!!