Funny Status Messages

   Shocked Justin Bieber did not win a BET award.....don't worry Justin neither did Hanson, Nelson, or Hasseloff.

   ive taken my adarall and my xanax... I hear you but really dont care what your saying

   I'm having a healthy and nutritious Meal, and I'm washing it down with a healthy and nutritious BEER. This health food stuff is not as bad as I thought after all.

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Thanking God the whole Justin Bieber writing an autobiography thing was just a rumor.. That would have been the shortest autobiography ever... All 16 pages of it... 18 if you count the index and contents..

   "Real men actually spend time away from their computers." Yeah... that's because they're avoiding you.

   I said give me head not headache.

   I only wish google could answer things like "what's the name of the lady seated next to me"

   My motto is: I can stay awake when I'm dead.

   I would punch your personality if it was possible. But your face will do.

   i am the kind of guy that likes to turn a woman on with a sexy dance.. Dances like "The Cabbage Patch" and "The Roger Rabbit", trust me it gets them wet... Normally wet from tears because they are laughing so hard but wet is wet...

   I'm as happy as a dog with two d*cks

   We all end up as stories to be told long after we are gone. Some boring, some tragic, some exciting.

   There's no better way to judge potential actors than people on their first date on match. Com

   The World Cup needs a shot of grape Kool-Aid.

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please

   My tonight my girlfriend is equal parts the internet, a tube of KY jelly, self-loathing and a sock.

   Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.

   Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.

   you’re a grown man who gets erections. what business do you have saying sh*t like “it’s my birthday month”?