Funny Status Messages

   would like to partake in the consumption of multiple alcoholic beverages this evening

   To all my barbies out there who date Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, you'll be better off in life. Get that money!

   MISSING: Sultry dark haired nymphomaniac. Likes 2 have hair pulled & be tied up. Please return immediately as she may be dangerous! I am a trained professional

   I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

   My wife just asked me "would you say I'm a selfish person?" My answer - "well, not to your face..."

   wonders if Conan O'Brien feels like the red headed step child of NBC? .....oh wait, he does have red hair!

   wondering; why do people on facebook, when they find a -public- photo album to someone they dont know, feel like they've won a million ???

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   thinks, sex is like any other performance, i.e a stage performance. So as that you dont blow it early on in the show, you must have a rehersal before HAND so as not to leave your audience (partner) disapointed.

   the Super Bowl is on February 7, The pre game started on February 3.

   needs 5 steel beams for his horse glue factory

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

   Screaming at Kaepernick to stand up during the national anthem seems slightly more disrespectful.

   The first rule of rich, powerful, white guy club is we didn't do anything wrong because we are rich, white and powerful.

   Steve Bannon removed from National Security Council due to a scheduling conflict involving drinking.

   Can I lick the beater? Is what I ask when my wife is giving me a hand job.

   Everytime I see KellyAnn Conway's face, I always vomit!

   Saw a baby wearing a bib which read "This dumb ass put my cape on backwards"

   Jesus was born in october. Just saying...

   Somebody just texted me saying..what does IDK mean? And I replied I don't know, she said OMG nobody knows!!